Mental illness over drug abuse. Alone.

Anxiety disorder. Ganja abuse. Loss of interest in life. I feel panic when I see people around me being so normal and happy. I can't be like them. I'm always depressed. Pain in brain and body. Weakness & illness have become my life partners. Loss of strength. No interest in socialising. I can't talk much. The more I talk I feel pain in brain and muscle starts trembling and I start to feel like fainting. Involuntary muscle shaking all the time. Even when there no stressful situation. Total savage. All this happening since over 3 years. I've been to couple of psychiatrist. They say I'm depressed and I have anxiety disorder. I am not taking and medication. I feel suicidal. I can't fulfil my life. Something is keeping me alive. I'm scared of dying. Ive tried to hang myself couple of times but I stop in between because I'm scared to leave my parents alone.